Of the thought-provoking: I think I'm dissociating. I'm certainly experiencing terrible dizziness, and there's a sense of unreality that comes with that. I also have big pressure headaches, so I'm going to the doctor today to check that there's no lingering problem from the sinus infection, but I think it very, very likely this is all just stress. In some ways it doesn't surprise me to consider that I'm dissociating - it has been my primary emotional defense for years - but it's in reaction to something that's not about assault, and that leaves me a bit at sea. I have therapy tomorrow, so I will know doubt know more then, but I'm not sure how this stress transforms into a defensive response related to my childhood. Except that this experience is rooted in my childhood. Maybe that's enough?
I'm trying to sort through the practical and the meta of what's happened. On the practical level I have made a series of poor financial choices. On the meta level, I've made those choices because of a wide array of emotional connections to money, and when I consider those, I just get sad. That's not a wild response to what's going on, I know, but I'm finding it difficult to just let myself be sad. On some level that's because it's totalizing, and I feel like I might drown in it. On another level it's because I don't feel like I get to be sad about this, for reasons that aren't exactly clear to me.
I notice it most in transitional moments. Right now, for example, I don't want to go get ready for work. It feels like an insurmountable obstacle. But if I think about staying home, I feel unsatisfied - I want to go do my job. The trouble is getting from point A to point B. I'll do it. I just have to psych myself up to get it done.
Dealing is hard. I think I'd forgotten how much.